Chapter 38 - February 17, 2012

Man, this is hard work.  There's no question about that.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've done a lot in my life.  I remember one day, I ran the 1500 meter race.  I ran the best time of my life.  It was Olympic material.  It was a good time, but I got third!  The guys that finished one and two were talking to their girlfriends.  I was puking my guts out.  I knew then they would go on to be great athletes.  I would be a simple division 3 runner.  What I'm going through now is kind of like what I imagine the Olympic athlete would go through.  I get up in the morning, and start my training until I go to sleep.  It's monotonous and it's been three years already.  But there's no other choice.  I have to keep pushing.  It's kind of like the way our country is.  To get better, we all have to put in hard work, sacrifice and conservation.  We have to get better and look after each other.

I'm sorry, I had a bit of a brain freeze.  I couldn't remember what I was going to say.  Your mind tends to slip at this stage.  Maybe it's from my 2 major brain surgeries or maybe because I'm 51.  Who knows.  Either way, it's kind of scary.  I can't seem to remember somethings.  They eventually come to me.  What do you call it?  A senior moment?  Anyway, just an observation.

I've been busy putting together my trip.  I'm going to re-trace my footsteps across America.  In 1979, I was part of a team that ran across America.  I'm going to go back photographing landscapes as I see them.  I'm going to do what I love, and I love taking photographs.  I'll share with you how I see the world right now.  It's pretty far out.

That's all for now.  Just a quick update.  I'll talk to you guys later.  Love, B. Nice

Chapter 37 - Valentine's Day 2012

February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day everybody.  I hope you're having a good one.  My present today was to myself.  I got another from my parents.  It was an Up & Go.  Thank you again, Mom & Dad.  Medicare did not cover this, so they paid for it.  The present to myself was, I stood up.  The present from my parents was the Up & Go.  It's a remarkable machine.  It helps you stand up and walk by yourself.  It will help me get better.  A great gift.

Sometimes I wake up at night and I say, "What the Hell? I'm back at my parents!"  I feel like I've gone through a wormhole.  Let's recap what's happened to me real quick:  imagine being my parents 30 years ago.  Imagine going to highschool, going to college, getting a BFA degree, an associates degree, running across America, traveling around the world, moving to New York City, getting married, moving to South Hampton New York, moving to Australia, living there for 10 years, working a lot there. moving to Paris, working a lot there, moving back to South Hampton, NY, getting divorced, moving to New York City, working a lot there, working a lot again in Paris, moving back to New York, getting married again, building my dream house in Montauk, having a great baby, working in New York a lot, getting a traumatic brain injury, having 2 brain operations, getting divorced, and now back here my parents wonder what the hell happened.  Was it all a dream?  One hell of a dream.  And like I said before, never think too much.  I have to start over again.  But, I've done it before, I'll do it again.

I was in my medical van coming back from rehab the other day, and there was another patient in the van with me.  Poor guy, man this guy was messed up, but you know what, it could have been me!  I've had a lot of help from my parents and my friends.  I've been very fortunate.  This poor guy was not as fortunate.  He was stuck in a nursing home for 13 years.  Hardly any therapy.  Then he lived at home for 2 years with no therapy.  The point is, you gotta get better through therapy.  Time will only heal you so much.  And you also need someone to look after you.  You can't do it alone.  I've learned one of the hardest things to do is ask for help.  You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help.  I really need it now, and it's cool.  I've got a good support team.  Remember, look out for each other.

I'll recap how I feel about what I'm going through.  It's a good benchmarker.  Lately I've been really tight in my face and neck as well as my hands and feet.  It makes it very difficult to talk.  I find that it's hard for people to understand me.  I really do believe that at this stage, you know, 3 years later, it starts to become real mental.  I find myself getting slightly panicky sometimes.  I feel very claustrophobic.  I guess it's because my brain is just like it always has been.  I'm cognitively ok.  I'm just physically messed up.  You know, I can't walk properly.  I'm dizzy.  I could go on and on.  I'm messed up, but I am getting better.  It's just so damn slow.

O.K. Flashback:  My flashback brings me to the ICU, and it was weird.  I remember, I always felt like I had gloves on.  I didn't but it felt like that.  And I felt like I had plastic in my mouth.  It was weird.  When I think about what I went through, I don't think I could do it again.  I guess when the body goes through what I went through, the body kind of goes into shock.  It doesn't really register.  It's starting to register now.  I remember what I went through.  It wasn't fun.  Not a great way to spend 3 years.  I think I'd rather be on a beach in Mexico, surfing and drinking margueritas.

One last thing:  The picture above is kind of how I see now.  It's how I've been shooting lately.  I'm having a show in August.  I'll keep you posted.  Happy Valentine's Day everybody.  Let me hear from you.  Love, B. Nice

Chapter 36 - February 6, 2012

February 6, 2012

I’ve said this before, but I want to remind everyone that I’m doing this for myself and to help anyone else that may have a traumatic brain injury.  It’s not exactly a chrystal ball into the future, but it may help.  I’m not a doctor, a nurse, a health professional, but I am someone who has traumatic brain injury.

I really believe that my whole life has gotten me ready for this moment, this event I’m going through.  When I was young, my parents took my sister and me around the world for 3 years.  I had many adventures when I was young.  I worked as a fashion photographer.  I worked in the 80’s with a fashion photographer.  I’ve survived plane accidents, diving accidents, earthquakes, car accidents.  I was hunted by warriors in New Guinea.  I had a 50 calibre machine gun trained on me by some Kanack rebels in Newmea.  I was married twice, and divorced twice.  I think the divorces were worse the warriors.  You get the picture.  I’ve also had many adventures.  Windsurfing in Hawaii in the open ocean.  Living in Australia.  Living in Paris.  I could go on and on.  That could be a whole other story.  The point is, I’ve had a lot of experience in my life, and I believe it got me ready for what I’m going through.  This is tough.  Anyway, I know I said it before, but I just want to remind you guys.

It’s strange.  I have flashbacks every once in a while.  The most recent one made me laugh.  In the hospital, where I was for 5 months, the nurse’s aides would come around 8 am to wake you up.  In my room, I had a curtain around my bed, and they would open the curtain and wake me up.  I would either be myself, or I would be my alter ego.  My alter ego was named Bubbles, and Bubbles was a male stripper who drove a nascar.  That’s why I was in the hospital, because my nascar crashed.  I would lie in the bed naked and flirt with the staff holding my sheet over my nose and acting coy while dancing, of course.  They would all be laughing, so when they came around in the morning, they would ask, who’s there?  Bubbles or Brian?  We would all have a laugh.  You gotta have a laugh.  After a few months, you get so bored.

OK, I’m gonna give you a quick update, and then we’ll call it a day.  Lately, I’ve been super dizzy.  It’s hard to sit up and maintain balance.  I’ve been having a hard time speaking.  It’s a little bit out of the norm.  When I take a shower in the shower chair, I’m terrified.  I’m afraid I’ll fall.  It’s a weird feeling.  I also have a bad cold and sore throat, so that may be the cause.  Whenever you get a bug, it really affects you when you have traumatic brain injury.  I try to keep myself preoccupied with music and thinking about the future.  I told you guys, in a few blogs back, I’m planning a trip across America.  In 1979, I was part of a 12 man relay team.  We ran across America.  In 1979, I ran across America as an athlete.  I plan on retracing my footsreps and going back across as a photographer.  I plan on taking pictures the whole way.  I’ll keep you posted.

Other than that, everything is status quo.  I continue to get better, but it’s really slow.  I’m picking up my walk and go.  It’s a walker that will help me remember how to walk.  My parents bought it for me.

I’ve been waking up early thinking too much.  Never think too much.  That’ll be my profound statement.  Never think too much.  Oh, the other profound statement of the week is a flashback.  I remember when I lived in Paris, I worked for a magazine called, Madame Figaro.  There was a fashion editor there that said to me, in a very thick French accent, she said, Brian, you must learn how to kiss.  I said What?  She said, you know, kiss.  Keep it simple Stupid.  When taking pictures, keep it simple.  Oh yeah, and buy a really shitty camera.  It’ll make your photographs really interesting.  Who needs photohop?  Anyway, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  Was nice having a chat to you.  I’ll see you next week.

Oh, one other thing.  Remember this:  When I was in my room, I had a jew, a muslim, and catholic, and I have no idea what I am, but we all had one thing in common.  We were all messed up.  And I realize, you know, united we stand together.  Individually, we’ll fall.  Sounds familiar, right?  Anyway, it’s just an observation.  United we stand.  Divided we fall.  I have no idea why I said that.  It might be because I had 2 brain surgeries.  I just wanted to share that with you.  Love, B. Nice

Chapter 35 - January 31, 2012

January 31, 2012

Hey everybody.  Hey happy New Year. It was the Chinese new year this week. Year of the Dragon. Sounds good doesn’t it.  Let’s make it a good one.

I started the week in a good way.  I went to another eye doctor.  It was a big day for me because my parents drove me into the city.  I had lunch with my parents in the city and then we went to the eye doctor.  This whole procedure takes a lot out of me.  It’s like running a marathon, but well worth it.  The eye doctor was really positive and informative.  I’m really messed up, but I believe they can help me.  It’s good to always get a second opinion, another point of view.  It made me feel good which is really important.

As well as good news, I’m constantly surrounded by negative energy.  It’s good to take all of this negative energy, flip it around and do something with it.  That’s why I have my projects, like driving across America, this blog, my show coming up, and my book I’m working on.  Just a few things.  It’s good to stay busy.  And stay positive.

I have a funny story I’d like to share with you.  I have a mental health nurse come by once a week.  She checks up on me, so anyway, I said to her, I’m really sad, and she said, why are you sad?  And I said, Ive got no one to talk to, my parents, I talk to my friends, my therapist.  But I have no one to talk to.  I even talk to the dog and he’s started talking back.  And I started crying, and it was a joke and she thought I was serious.  She started looking at me like she wanted to medicate me.  Never a dull moment.  We worked it out.  She’s actually really cool, and does help me.

This reminds me of another moment I thought was funny.  I get flashbacks once in a while and at one point in my surgery, #2 brain surgery, I was lying on the operating table and before they put me under, I glanced over at another table.  It was covered with a cloth, but the corner was exposed.  The surgeon looked like he had stopped by Home Depot.  I was like, “What’s all that for?”  He was like, “Excuse me?” And I said, “What are you going to do exactly?” And he said, “Exactly?” And I said, “Yeah exactly.”  And he said, “Well, we drill a hole into your spine, drain all the fluid out of your spine and relax the brain.  And then we operate.”  I said, “Oh, o.k., and by the way, good luck with that.”  And then they put me under.

Anyway, let’s make it a short one this week.  That’s all for this week everyone.  All of you out there that have been helping me out, thank you so much.  It means a lot to me.  And it helps me get through all this bullshit.  Like I said before, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever done, so thanks again for helping out.  Love, B. Nice.  See you next week

Chapter 34 - January 24, 2012

Hi everybody.  Hey, check it out. It was my birthday last week. It was a small party with the people I grew up with. My sister hosted the party at her house. It was a great day. Any little thing like this to brighten your life, when you’re like this. It was a great day.

It’s strange. I have flashbacks to the past three years. It all blends together. Little things come to mind like the emergency room visit, living in the hospital for 5 months, therapy, etc. It all blends together. The first operation, the second operation. I never feel like I’m getting better, but I am. It’s slow. I’ve been doing a video journal to keep track of my progress. It’s very helpful. I highly recommend it. You’ll have advancements and you’ll have setbacks. I recently had a slight setback due to stress. You wouldn’t believe my personal life. It’s like something out of Hollywood. Let me take that back. You couldn’t even make this shit up. It’s like I said before, my life is like a bad country song. Hey, remember, if you play a country song backwards, you’ll get your house back, your dog back, your truck back, your woman back, your job back.  You’ll get everything back. Somethings I don’t want back, but we won’t go into that.

I just got back from therapy this morning, and it was really good.  Once a week, right now, I do water therapy in a warm pool.  It’s great.  I can walk and run. It’s really cool. I did it after the first operation. Now I’ll be getting used to it again. It’s really helpful. I get so tired though. Oh man. You can’t believe how exhausting it is. Just the simplest things make me so tired. For example: my therapists want me to get on the floor with help from my mom and an assistant. I’ll do this, but it’s tough to lie on your stomach. You realize how vulnerable you are and how far you have to go.

My friend who is typing this, I’ve asked her to help me with my next project. She said she’d help me type what I need. You see, when you’re like this, you have to do what you love and I love photography. When I was an athlete, I ran across America. That was 1979. I plan on going back across America on the same route with a car and a trailer. I’ll photograph landscapes as I go, and I’ll do a small documentary film. I need to get funding though. Like a grant or a fund from a large corporation. It would be good advertising for them. So anyway, my friend here is going to help me write a letter that I’ll send out. I’ll probably build a website for the project. Another thing to keep me busy. Oh yeah, and when it’s all done, I’ll make a book of the journey. You see, books will become valuable. Coffee table books. Everything is on the iPad or technology similar, but a tangible book that doesn’t cost a lot will be special. I can see it. So I plan on doing books. That’s my vision anyway.

Oh yeah, my father and mother bought me a machine that helps me walk. It’s really great, very simple, but it will help me walk. I’ll use it at home. It teaches you how to walk again. It helps you get better. I’m very lucky. Thanks Mom & Dad.  Remember, never forget how lucky you are. I’m at that stage where I look at people and I get very envious watching them just walk or pick something up or eat. I wish I could do that. I can’t even sit up right now. Ha, ha, and at lunch, I kind of fight with my fork. I manage to stab myself in the face a few times before I got the food. Never a dull moment.

Let’s end on a positive note:  I did sit up in therapy and managed to put on a shoe. A little thing like that will make your week.  Amazing. Remember, small victories, they all add up.  See you next week.  B. Nice