Chapter 132 – April 29, 2014

This chapter will be called, “June, A John on the John, The Eagle’s Nest, and Get in the Car, Let’s GO!”

Let’s see. This chapter is dedicated to the past, and if you want to look at what I’m doing in the present, here’s the link. My friend here will put it in. LINK

OK. June goes like this: I was on a small airplane in the Bahamas going to Christopher Columbus Isle. It’s a small island in the caribbean. Anyway, I was on the plane with the crew I was going to work with when I noticed there was a real pretty girl sitting in front of me. She was short but pretty. Then I looked around and saw there was a whole bunch of short but pretty girls. I started talking to her. I said, “What’s going on?” She said, “Oh, we’re on a photo shoot.” I said, “Really? What for?” And she said, “Playboy.” I said, “Really? What’s your name?” She said, “Oh, I’m Miss June.” Anyway, we got to talking and she said she was gonna be in a talent contest that the hotel was putting on. In the back of my mind I’m think, hmm what kind of contest is this going to be? Anyway, I thought, boy, I can’t miss this. Anyway, we had dinner that night of the contest and after dinner we went to the contest, me and my entire crew. Mind you, I had a hairdresser with me who was Japanese. He didn’t talk that much, I think he was very quiet and conservative. Well he had a few drinks in him and when Miss June came on stage to sing he belted out, “June! June! June!” It was pretty funny. That guy was ripped, and the rest, well, I can’t talk about it, but it was a good show.

The next story takes place where I lived in Montauk, NY. It was probably one of the most bizarre things I ever went through. There was a man that owned a house that had stairs going down to the beach. I went to his house to negotiate a price for shooting at his house and using the stair to get to the beach. His wife was there and answered the door. She said I would have to talk to her husband to negotiate the price. She said, “Follow me.” So I followed her. The hallway she was in led to a bathroom. The owner of the house, we’ll call him John, was on the john. The dude was right there sitting on the john. He said, “What do you want?” I said, “Well, I’d love to shoot here and use your stairs. I wanted to talk to you about doing that and paying you for it.” He said, “Sure.” Then he started talking. He straightened himself and he started to, well, you can use your imagination. Mind you, he was sitting down (thank god). We went back and forth on a price. Have you ever negotiated with a guy taking a dump? It’s very bizarre. Anyway, we settled on a price and the shoot went great.

The following story took place in New Mexico. I was looking at a piece of property with a caretaker. We were looking a pond. I was standing there looking at the pond when I saw a single feather swirl around and land at my feet. I looked up and there was a huge bald eagle right above me and it was looking at me. It was very bizarre and spiritual too. Anyway, I’ll leave it at that. It was pretty cool. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. When I was standing there, the owner of the property rolled up in his car and said “What’s going on?” I said, “Well, I’m gonna shoot here right?” And the owner looked at the caretaker and the caretaker looked away. I figured it out. The caretaker was gonna pocket the money for the location fee. The owner of the property showed up unexpected. It was all rather awkward, but in the long run I got to shoot there.

The last story took place in New Mexico also. Taos, to be exact. I was on a photographic shoot looking at places to shoot. It was for a magazine so they didn’t have much money. We came across a guy there we were talking to. He was familiar with the area. He started talking about a cool location that wouldn’t cost us anything. So he said, “Come on, I’ll show you.” And our editor jumped in his car and they took off. I thought to myself, holy shit! That’s crazy. I jumped in our car and took off after him. I had a hard time keeping up with him. I thought, well, this is the last time I ever see her. I guess the moral of the story is: Don’t get into cars with strangers. It all worked out all right, even though when she went to look for a map in the glove compartment, there was a revolver. Never a dull moment.

That’s all for now. I’m going to show you a few photos I did on my trip across America. You know, I did the trip to show everybody that even though you’re messed up, you can still do what you like. Talk to you next week. Love, B. Nice



Chapter 131 – April 21, 2014

Hi everybody. Welcome to stories from the past. I’m gonna dedicate this to my friend who’s a producer. She recently talked to another friend of mine who is an art director. The producer said, and I quote, “I miss Brian but I’m sure glad he’s not here on April 1st.” Now, let me tell you something, The Producer, if you have a look at my diary, it happens to be a remarkable diary. Every day is April 1st. So therefore, next time I see you, I’ll see you on April 1st! Now, a) I miss you as well, and b) wait until you see what I have in store for you. In the meantime, feel free to do the following:

1. Now this is just wrong, but it happens to be one of my favorites. After you sneak into someone’s room, open the toilet, cover the toilet in saran wrap very tightly so no one knows there’s saran wrap there. The results are great. Don’t forget to close the seat and the top. You can also buy a rat, a big rat. It’s made of rubber and that’s a real good one. If you can find fishing line, run it through the big rat’s head and super glue it to the toilet cover. When they open the cover, the rat lurches out towards the victim. Oh yeah, don’t forget to throw in a few squares of toilet paper and a Baby Ruth candy bar.

2. The next item is kind of hard to find, but if you can find it, it’s great. I go to any big novelty store. So you basically turn off all the lights in the room. Find a light that’s activated by the door light switch. Unscrew the ligthbulb and replace it with this device I’m talking about. The device lets off a blood curdling scream when you turn on the light, so basically the victim enters the room turns on the light, and there’s a blood curdling scream. It’s quite effective.

3. The next idea I have is great. You go to any thrift store, buy a cheap pair of men’s running shoes, take the shoes to the victims hotel room and put them behind a curtain with the toes sticking out. Then gaffer tape a pillow behind the curtain so it looks like someone’s there. Have you ever seen someone run out of their room really fast. It’s pretty entertaining.

4. Now the last joke kind of dates me. I basically take an album, fill it with talcum powder, slide it under the door and pound on the album cover. It makes a mess of the room, so prepare for a real pissed off victim. That should get you started.

OK, so I’m either running out of stories or my memory is failing me. And be sure to remind me if I start to repeat my stories. I often do that. But my friend here said, “Well, they keep getting better.” They’re all things that really happened to me. They are things I remembered when I was in hospital. Hell, I could do a whole separate blog on the hospital itself. It was like a scene from one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. It was all brain injury people. Just use your imagination. Anyway, if I remember, I’m sure I will, but if remember, I’ll include it next week. Here are some photos I did of my recent trip. HOpe you have a good one. Love, B. Nice

Oh yeah, here’s a link to my blog from the present. Talk to you later. Love, B. Nice      LINK

Chapter 130 – April 15, 2014

Hi everybody. I’m gonna dedicate this blog to my friend in Paris. And check out the date. It’s the last day to get our taxes in. Don’t I blog you on the best days?! Welcome to another week of brain injury recovery. I talk about the past in this blog. You know, things I thought about when I was in hospital, things I still think about. Thinking about things helps me get through the rough stuff.

I was looking at older blogs and I was talking about assistants. You know, photo assistants. I don’t know why but it reminded me of a time I had this one guy that I worked with. I decided to go snorkeling on a reef in the Bahamas. He wanted to come along. I said no problem so we both went out to snorkel on an outer reef. Anyway, we got out to the outer reef and I said let’s go do some free diving. Let’s dive down and check down that cave on the coral reef. Well, we dove down. Lo & behold there was a huge barracuda hanging out. Well, it didn’t like us being there so it approached us. Have you ever seen a big pissed off barracuda? It’s not pretty. They have big teeth, and this one was about the size of a door. Now what did my assistant do? My faithful assistant grabbed me by the shoulders and put me in front of him. He basically used me as a shield between him and the fish. After I calmed him down I told him to swim backwards to the shore on our back, basically keep your fins between you and the fish. The barracuda followed us back to shore. After we got out of the water I said, “OK, you owe me a beer.”

The next situation took place in New York City. I had to shoot a cover for a famous bridal magazine. Well, everything was set up. The model came out and the editor said, “We gotta wait for the necklace to come.” It was a piece of famous jewelry that we were going to use. These people showed up with the necklace and armed guards. Well, I started thinking about the shot and my pug kept walking into the photo. The editor thought my dog was cute so I took the necklace off the model and put the necklace on my dog. I told the model to hold my dog. The model did not look happy. Anyway, it was a great shot. It made the cover of the magazine. Sorry to my friend the model we won’t mention.

The next story I have really has nothing to do with fashion but it’s a good story. I basically ran across the country with 11 other guys. Well, we were in the Guinness Book of World Records. Anyway, it was a hell of a way to see the country. I remember one time I was running on an Indian reservation. It was in the desert in the middle of nowhere. I kept hearing sounds on the side of the road. I couldn’t figure out what it was. All of a sudden a wild dog or wolf or I don’t know what it was, came out of the dark and tried to bite me. Then another dog came out and another. You get the picture. It was a pack of wild dogs. They were surrounding me. The only thing I had was a flashlight and my relay baton. I started pointing my baton at them and each time I pointed the baton and screamed “Get the fuck away from me,” they backed off. Well, it seemed to work and for the next five minutes I would run down the middle of the road screaming and turning in circles. Everyone in the van looked puzzled. The next guy didn’t look happy. Anyway, here’s a photo from the trip I did across America, you know, the run (thanks D. Campbell). The other photos will be from my trip I did driving across America, the trip I did recently. Oh yeah, the 1979 trip I was supposed to run with Jimmy Carter but he had to deal with some Iran Contra thing. Anyway, have a good week. Love you guys. Love, B. Nice

Oh yeah, here’s my link to my other blog. Check it out. LINK


Chapter 129

Hi Everybody. April Fools Day. This is a blog from the past. Stories from the past. I guess confessions from the past. Remember, names and places have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

You know, as a fashion photographer, we traveled to some great places and went to some great restaurants. One time I was at a real fancy restaurant in California. You know, long white table cloths. real silver, it was right on the ocean. It was owned by a famous movie star. You get the picture. Anyway, my location van driver can make the sound of a chicken exactly. She was very talented. At dinner, after they took our order, I said to the driver, “Hey, I have a good idea. Why don’t you crawl under the table and make the sound of a chicken.” Being as demented as me, she said OK and crawled under the table. I told everyone at the table to continue on talking and ignore anything they hear. Well, she started acting like a chicken. It sounded just like a real chicken. Everyone in the restaurant went silent wondering where the noise was coming from. It was all pretty funny. The table next to me, I think the guy was a vegan. He started freaking out.

Another time I was in Hawaii. It was my birthday. Well, the restaurant spent a lot of time and energy in making me a birthday cake. It was a really fancy restaurant. By the end of the dinner, well, we had gone through a few bottles of wine. The birthday cake came out. The art director picked it up and tried to put the whole cake into my face. Luckily I was still alert enough to get out of the way. The cake went onto the floor. But we were so ripped it didn’t matter. We picked it up and ate the whole thing. The owner of the restaurant was not amused. We got thrown out, but hey, we were finished anyway.

I used to direct the models before we’d shoot. I remember this one girl I was talking to. I kept going over and over what I wanted to do and she seemed kind of vacant and far away. I was talking to her more and she explained to me that her brother had just died. I was like, Oh man. Anyway, I said, “You want to work still?” She said, “Yeah, it will get my mind off of his death and work will keep me occupied.” Anyway, I got all the film back on her and it was eerie. Looked like she was looking right through me. Her brake lights weren’t on, as you’d say. She was there but not. It’s pretty wild what you don’t see and film captures.

I was thinking about what I talked about above and it reminded me of another time. This model I worked with all the time, she had a bunch of specific poses she’d run through all the time. In other words it was always the same moves. I said to her, “You always do the same thing. It’s like a catalogue of poses.” So I presented her with a throw down. I said, “OK, I’m going to go through a whole roll really fast and you do all your moves.” And you know what? I held my finger down on the shutter release and she quickly did all her poses. It was pretty funny because when I got the film back it was spot on. She had her timing down and she knew her poses.

One other time I was working I booked this model because she was great. Really natural. Really fun. Well I had a chance to shoot a fashion story with her in the Bahamas. It was going to be for a British magazine. Now, mind you, this is how things can get fucked up real quick. Well, I booked this girl because she was high energy. Just what was needed for the story. I started shooting and she stood there like a tree. She was like that for every image. No matter what I said, no matter what direction I gave she just stood there. I finally said to her, “What’s going on? What’s the deal?” She looked at me and said, “I just found out I’m pregnant.” I said, “Oh, is that good or bad?” She said, “I gotta get another drink.” I guess that was the answer. Anyway I’m gonna include the link. You know, the link from the present. I hope you guys have a good April Fools Day. Love, B. Nice